My Mixtape Monday – October 20, 2014
I have 7,458 songs in my iTunes library. Though a portion of that amount is made-up of mediocre albums that really only have a hit or two (hello Hello Nasty), the majority are songs I love. Despite my obvious overwhelming affection for music spanning from every genre from post-hardcore to acid house to rockabilly to Southernplayalisticadillacmuzik, there’s also plenty examples of recorded audio that I LOATHE.
For me, songs that I hate fall into two categories. Some are just plain awful musically (i.e. the Macarena, which was the worst thing to happen to Spanish–American relations since the Spanish–American War). Others aren’t necessarily bad songs, but they remind me of unhappy experiences so I hate them (i.e. my girlfriend breaking up with me on my 18th birthday in her bedroom as Mazzy Star’s Fade Into You played in the background).
Knowing I wasn’t the only one, I asked a few of my music-loving friends to rage against some of their least-favorites as well. Please enjoy NOT listening to the below songs!
Lean On Me by Club Nouveau
I adore Bill Withers, but “Lean On Me” is probably my least favorite song of his. However, I’ll take his version over this awful cover. It sounds like it was produced on a Casio keyboard, with tons of electronic horns hits and that goofy percussion. The original had a soulful beauty, but this one sounds so cheap. It reaches its nadir when they sing “We be jammin’!” over and over again. And of course it won a Grammy!
Walk of Life by Dire Straits
Dire Straits are some straight up corny dad music. I know so many middle-aged guys who hail Mark Knopfler as some sort of rock guitar god, and I just don’t get it. This song exemplifies that. It has some potentially interesting Creole elements, but it’s so bland and it has these shrill keyboards. It sounds like something that would play at a square dance, except it’s on classic rock stations.
Revolution by The Beatles
I never liked The Beatles, but I especially can’t stand John Lennon. My best friend in high school was in love with him and she made me watch the documentary ‘Imagine.’ The whole time, all I could think was, “This dude is a clown.” Grant it, it’s terrible the way he died - nobody deserves that. But over the years, I learned that he was an admitted wife beater, an abusive father, and an all-around insufferable jerk.
Sure, a lot of famous musicians were/are human garbage in real life, but none of them are as universally worshiped as Lennon. That’s why in “Revolution,” a song he wrote and sang, he just comes off as the most hypocritical, self-righteous ass. Plus the lyrics are so sophomoric - ‘But if you go carrying pictures of Chairman Mao/You ain’t going to make it with anyone anyhow.’ makes me cringe so hard.
I think another part of it is just the constant Beatles veneration. I’m definitely bitter about it. There’s so much amazing music out there, and basics just want to hear the same poppy, boring ass Beatles singles. It’s been 50 years. I’m over it. I’ve been over it.
More Than Words by Extreme
I had a wretched ex-boyfriend who used to play this song for me. It makes me physically ill to hear it playing. He was the worst.
Love Don’t Cost a Thing by Jennifer Lopez
I used to go out dancing to this song and it reminds me of a time when I was too tan, wore Juicy Couture track suits un-ironically, and generally was just trying too hard.
Time Bomb by Rancid
I can’t believe that I ever dated faux-punk boys and this song reminds me about why it was a terrible life choice for my teenaged self.
Mona Lisa by Nat King Cole’s
This isn’t a bad song, but growing up, I had this one uncle that would tease me relentlessly. One of the things that I hate, since everyone screws up my last name, is when someone screws up my first name (I’m one of those annoying people that make sure my ‘starbucks name’ is correct). Anyhow, he came up with this song using my first name, to Mona Lisa. I can’t hear the song without it getting my hackles up.
Mr. Tembo by Damon Albarn
This song was played frequently on WYEP this year. At first it has this pleasant Jack Johnson-esque summer vibe going on, but after the 5th time, it just grates on my nerves. Every time I hear it, I make some comment about wanting to shove pencils in my ears.
The bonus: For some reason, I think it’s because A) I’m Polish and I had a Mickey Mouse accordion as a kid, B) because I have an undying love for Steve Martin and Kermit the Frog, and C) Men in Kilts. I enjoy the accordion, the banjo, and bagpipes. The instrument I can’t stand (and will turn off the radio if a song is played containing it) is the Hammond B3 organ.
The Tide Is High by Blondie
When I was in middle school, I was obsessed with those Billboard Top Hits CDs. Kmart conveniently sold them right by the check lines, so every time I was there with my mom, I would pilfer through them, trying to round off my collection of Top Hits from the 70s and 80s. I had one from 1980 or 1981 that included “The Tide is High” and my brother, who was probably 5 or 6 at the time, became so goddamn enchanted with this song that it became the official soundtrack of my mom’s Explorer.
One day, I had enough and I took that effing CD and chucked into the woods like a Frisbee. Kids ruin songs, you guys. I knew it then, and I know it now as a mother of my own kid. Did you know that this song has been recorded by four different artists over the years? Apparently the most recent was in 2008 by some Canadian rapper. It’s the song that won’t stop spawning.
Patience by Guns n Roses
I’m not a fan of anything in the GnR catalogue. I had an office job from 2000-2004 that had me sharing an office with the bookkeeper who played WDVE all day. I have nothing against classic rock. I love A LOT of classic rock. But this radio station would always play at least three GnR songs every morning. Mostly, I could tune it out. Welcome to the Jungle? More like Welcome to the Methodic Humming in My Head.
But any time “Patience” would queue up, I would literally have to stop in the middle of whatever I was doing (probably just reading a magazine or writing letters to my death row pen pal) and walk away. That whistling, you guys. Just, no.
Tom’s Diner by Suzanne Vega
She’s not even singing! She’s literally just reading words over top of trance-like music. Get out of my face with your do-do-do-doos. Go pour some more milk.
Roar by Katy Perry
If you know me at all, you know that Katy Perry is the bane of my existence. It was really hard for me to not cop out and just reply to Alex’s request with “Katy Perry’s discography” and be done with it. I decided to just pick the most offensive one, the one that makes my ears bleed, the one that makes me look around to everyone nearby and shout, “THIS IS A JOKE RIGHT?! THIS IS NOT SUPPOSED TO BE REAL MUSIC?”
Way back in 2008, she was at Warped Tour (I know, right? What was Kevin Lyman thinking. Oh wait, she was dating Travis from Gym Class Heroes at the time, and they were also on Warped Tour, so….). I accidentally walked past the (small) stage on which she was “singing” to a (small) crowd and stopped dead in my tracks.
At first I thought it was a special appearance by Gwar, slaughtering a pig. But no, it was Katy Perry “singing.” Anyway, I hate her and her stupid music, but Roar takes the cake. One of my friends pointed out that the music makes her think of “Annie,” so now the only musical I have ever enjoyed is ruined for me too.
All About that Bass by Meghan Trainor
When I first saw this video last year, I thought it was just some parody by a YouTuber and I thought, “Ok.” Then I went about my day. A few weeks later, I woke up to a song on the radio and thought, “This sounds familiar and I hate it.” That’s when I realized it was that same stupid song sung by that same stupid girl with the fake voice and I got angry. Like, really angry.
And then people started updating their Facebook statuses with “lyrics” from this “song” and just simply seeing the words would reanimate the aural memory of that song back into my head and then I would proceed to have the worst day ever. STFU MEGHAN TRAINOR. DON’T TELL ME HOW I SHOULD FEEL ABOUT MY BODY! And no, I didn’t even like it when she sang it with Jimmy Fallon and The Roots, OK?! Get off my back!
All I Ask of You by Raphael Saadiq
This song for some reason makes me think of my first love in high school cheating on me with some dumb girl and I feel like maybe I found out that they went to see Higher Learning together? And this song is from that movie? I can’t remember exactly remember the connection anymore because when you have enough rage blackouts, parts of your memory apparently bite it, but I know I could NOT listen to this song without wanting to effing kill myself.
And I always listened to the urban radio station back then, so the odds of hearing this song 364793624 times a day were better than me suddenly becoming a Katy Perry fan, let’s put it that way. (To be honest though, I really liked this song. So, thanks for ruining it, Philanderer.)